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The Golden Rules
of Instant Messenger
By staff writer Justin Rebello
"The most important document to emerge from a computer
since the Ten Commandments."
-Steve Case, Former Chairman and CEO of AOL
Introduction: You've seen the phenomenon. During the
semester, at least 75% of your buddy list is online. Then winter
break hits and your buddy list is hit by an apparent bubonic
plague. Because IM is so popular among us college kids, it is
befitting that we should set forth a list of rules, nay
commandments, to abide by. So here, in no particular order, is
the prevailing IM Dogma.
I. In your AIM profile, there's no need to throw in loads of
advertising space about your girlfriend/boyfriend/horse.
Granted, I may be a jaded, single fool, but when your profile
looks like this:
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Baby, I love you. I love you. Oh baby I love you and miss you.
See you soon. I love you. Baby, baby.
[Insert rows of nonsensical IM kissy-faces]
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It's just annoying and disturbing. A subtle message is fine, but
if you use either MUAH or those god-awful AIM faces (more on
those in a sec), then AOL should spike you and you should be
forced to communicate your rampant I LOVE YOU's through
smoke signals you utterly whipped prick. (And that goes for
you dickwads with the "Taken" Buddy Icons. Go fuck yourself!)
II. Please stop with LOL. Only about .4% of people actually
"Laugh out Loud" and they are retarded. And don't give me
this ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off). I'd
actually like to see you try this just so you can snap your neck
as you fall out of your chair. Good. Nothing to LOL about now,
is there?
III. Don't IM just to say "HI." Talking on AIM is the fast food
equivalent of actual conversations. Keep the messages short
and sweet. I assure you, you are not that interesting of a
person. And if you were, why I am I talking to you behind a
keyboard and miles of bandwidth?
IV. You don't have to IM someone every time they are online.
Nobody is that interesting. The average person spends more
time wiping their ass than talking to their parents. No one can
be conversational every time you IM them.
V. Stop with these oblique away messages like "Not here",
"Away", "Gone", or using an AIM face. If you had to shit, fine.
Tell us, we're concerned for your well being. And for the love of
god don't use the default away message: "I am away from my
computer right now." Don't you get disappointed when you see
that?
VI. If you are talking on a cell phone with someone and IMing
that person simultaneously, you deserve the impending
radiation cancer.
VII. Don't ever send more than 5 messages in a row to
someone. All that beeping could give someone a brain
hemorrhage. It sounds like a damn Star Wars movie on my
computer!
VIII. Stop using AIM faces. This is the lowest point of human
interaction. It is more evolved to go to your friend's house and
throw your own shit at their face.
IX. If someone sends you a link or a song to download, you are
not obligated to ever visit that link or download that song.
Making a suggestion is fine, but don't pester them about it for
days to come. You are interrupting their porn time.
X. Blocking someone is about the cruelest thing you can do to
them. Worse than murder. So if someone pisses you off, don't
block them. Ignore them. Fill them with doubt as to whether
you are still at your computer. Blocking is basically the Agent
Orange of AIM abuse. Savagely cruel, use only when
necessary.
XI. One "Bye" is all that is needed to end a convo. Too many
convos drag on and on like the first hour of Pearl Harbor. They
look a little like this:
Homo69: Ok man, later.
Buttfuk27: Yea, take it east.
Buttfuk27: easy*
Homo69: Yeah I will
Homo69: Later
Buttfuk27: Later, dude
Homo69: Goodnite
Buttfuk27: Oh hey
Homo69: Yeah?
Buttfuk27: Did you finish your paper?
Homo69: Yeah
Buttfuk27: Oh okay, cool
Homo69: ok, seeya later
Buttfuk27: Yep, bye
Homo69: Bye
Buttfuk27: Night
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Previous message was not received by Homo69 because of
error: User Homo69 really left this time.
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XII. Don't try to describe your looks in your screen name. If
your screen name is SexyGurl25, and you look like the love
child of ALF and Carrot Top, that's false advertising. Besides it
really isn't nice to trick MegaStud21, who is actually a 40 year
old unemployed bald man that installed a webcam in your
shower while you were at class.
XIII. Girls, it is not necessary to make your profiles look the
lost works of Emily Dickinson. A couple of clever lines is fine,
but honestly, no one's turning to your profile as their daily
source of sonnets.
XIV. Don't just type "yea" to your friend when you have nothing
to say. I understand the flashing IM is intimidating, and a lot of
people need to have the last word, but the "yea" is basically
IM code for: "I have lost a lot of interest in this convo, and was
kind of hoping we could just drift apart."
XV. No more than two numbers in your screen name. Three is
okay, but only if it's to signal your birthday. It's already hard to
remember what you decided to call yourself online, we really
don't need the first 100 digits of pi. If your SN is:
Queef67483857, just shorten it to Queef67. Or just Queef. I
can't imagine too many people picking that one, it's too
honest.
XVI. Don't type "BRB" then drive to Mexico. BRB has a 10
minute window. After that, it's away message time. AOL should
install a feature that will automatically send gay porn to all
your friends under your name once your comp is idle for 11
minutes after a BRB.
XVII. You can tell the mood a person is in by how much they
type. Example:
PeeWee12: Hey, man.
Meat10: Yo, what's up, dude?
= Happy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Hey
= Melancholy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Go fuck yourself.
= Not happy.
XVIII. Don't put quizzes in your profile. What is the goal,
exactly? To figure out who is your most prolific stalker?
XIV. If the Internet kicks you off, and then you sign back on, it
is your duty to re-start the convo. I don't know why this is, but
if the other person IM's you with "kicked off?" they are
obsessed with you.
XX. If someone sends you one of those IM's that say you must
IM 10 other people, in order to save a child dying of leukemia
in Indonesia, drive to his house and beat him to death with his
own keyboard. Then, take a deep breath, and go check your
email. | 
